The yes / maybe / no list: how couples find out what they both want

Most couples have a list of things they would like to try and have never mentioned. The problem is not desire; it is the cost of going first. Say it and be met with a face, and the idea is dead for years. A yes / maybe / no list removes the going-first problem entirely.

How it works

Both of you answer the same long list of acts, scenarios, places and toys — privately. For each one you pick yes, maybe, or no. Then, and only then, the overlaps are revealed: the things you both said yes to, the ones where one is a yes and the other a maybe, and the ones you are both curious about.

The rule that makes it work: a “no” is never shown to anyone. Not to your partner, not as a count, not as a hint. If one of you says no, the item simply never appears. You learn what you share; you never learn what the other person declined.

What to put on it

Good lists are broad and plainly worded, so both of you are answering the same question. Cover the ordinary as well as the adventurous: the setting (candles, morning sex, lights on), touch and build-up (massage, edging, being undressed slowly), pace and intensity, toys, power and roles, places, and a few “further out” items that cost nothing to be curious about. Around eighty items is enough to be interesting without becoming homework.

What to do with the results

• Both yes: no negotiation needed. Pick one for this week.
• Yes + maybe: a conversation, not a plan. The maybe person says what would make it a yes.
• Both maybe: you are both curious and both a little unsure. Talk about it on a good evening, not in bed.

Answers change. Revisit the list every few months; a maybe from last spring may have quietly become a yes.

Doing it on paper vs. in an app

On paper you need a third party to compare the lists, or a lot of trust that nobody peeks. Cadence does the comparison in the database, so neither of you can see the other's answers even if you wanted to — only the overlaps come out. Start yours; each of you answers on your own phone, one card at a time.